Sequels and Prequels I'm Not Writing

10) Helen and the Sparkly Vampires. She doesn't like to be outshone by anyone.

9) Helen vs. Sharknado. "It's really more Odysseus's kind of thing." she said.

8) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Mediterranean, by Nobody. Working title, I had trouble getting to Ithaca too.

7) He Had it Coming --Clytemnestra's Story.

6) Over 399 ways to Kill Your Enemies, a Practical Guide. --By Hector, Achilles and Several Other Heroes who killed more but get virtually no press.

5) "1000 tips to launch your First Ship, Extreme Makeovers" Pitched it to Helen, but she said, "If you're not going to bother to move at least an armada, it's not worth the trouble."

4) Looking Gift Horses in the Mouth and Other Truths from Beyond the Ilium Wall --by Paris.

3) She Came with Baggage, We should Have sent her packing --penned by Queen Hecuba before the sacking of Troy and the gods turned her into a canine. "Even before that happened, she was like a dog with a bone, she just wouldn't let this go." --Helen.

2) The Bachelorette: Ithaca Season. 104 Suitors, One throne, One Woman. This was nixed due to concerns it was rigged and that the main contestant didn't have any interest in any of the potential men vying for her hand.

1) A new version of the Iliad, three times longer than the original text, with more women in it so as to have parity, and maybe a new villain, like some necromancer type orc and a romance that isn't in the original sources.
  
If you're wondering, The Book of Penelope, 71K and growing. But I wanted to be silly for a change.